Groundbreaking diet plan

I didn’t want to spill the beans too soon, but this finally got approved and I have been cleared to share. I have teamed up with the League of Masticators Against Obesity to bring you this revolutionary new diet. RESULTS GUARANTEED!!* I would love to help you navigate this highly effective program, so let me know when you’d like to get started!!
Let’s get this party rollin’!

Day 1-You will drink water only, 200oz of it. Has to be water attained from a garden hose, but filtered through a coffee filter. The vitamins and minerals in the garden hose tap water will help to flush out the toxins in your body better than regular water, and the coffee filter will insure you don’t have any chunks. Easy peasy.

Day 2-Start your day with 8oz of bacon (nitrite and nitrate free, of course), and a dark chocolate bar, at least 70% cacao. Much like the popular bulletproof coffee, the fat in the bacon should help keep you full until the afternoon, and the antioxidants in the chocolate will finish the cleansing process the garden hose water started. In the late afternoon, you will begin to eat an entire rotisserie chicken, bones and all. This should be done slowly and consumed over a 5 hour period, making sure you chew each bite EXACTLY 40 times, no more, no less, because science and stuff. Finish the day with 24oz of room temperature water attained from a bathroom sink faucet only.
Day 3-You should be feeling spry and fresh by this point. Within 3 minutes of waking, consume 3 large grapefruits, rind and all (don’t want those nutrients going to waste!!). Wash it down with 12oz of 2% chocolate milk. The milk should be in the cartons like we used to drink in the school cafeteria. Lunch will be one ounce of salmon, and 1 loaf of gluten free/dairy free/sugar free/paleo & keto friendly/vegetarian bread product. Before consuming the loaf, spread salted butter across the top, and sprinkle cayenne to get that metabolism fired up. Dinner will consist of an entire bag of Caesar salad, and one Twix bar. Make sure you only eat one, because science again.
Day 4-Juice time!! In a blender, combine the following for your high powered, detoxifying, nutrient filled, tasteplosion:

• 4 cups of spinach
• 5 tbsps of coconut oil
• 8 1/2 frozen non-organic blueberries
• 9 1/2 acai berries, shipped fresh from the Amazon that morning (MUST be freshly picked)
• 5oz wild caught Alaskan salmon, preferably caught by a grizzly bear, but human caught will suffice
• 1 jar of organic non-GMO almond butter
• Eye of newt
• 1/2 cup steel cut oats
• 3 stalks of homegrown celery
• 1/4 cup ghee butter
• 1 large watermelon (including the rind)
• Dash of cinnamon

If this does not fit in your blender, sterilize your bathtub and use an emulsifier to blend.

Drink this throughout the day. Makes enough to keep you sustained and full of energy!!
Day 5-Follow closely, as this is where it all comes together. You will need to sleep until 10:37am central standard time. Due to the potency of the nutrients you will have consumed over the past 4 days, combined with circadian rhythms and more science, this sleep is crucial to seeing the desired benefits. Then, upon waking, take a cold shower for 12 minutes, while simultaneously eating the other Twix you didn’t eat on Day 3. The rest of the day you will consume copious amounts of social media, while incessantly posting about this diet and urging all your friends to join in the fun. For dinner you will dine upon spicy tofu burgers, 3 kale leaves, and Chickfila lemonade.
There you have it folks, your 5 day plan to lose weight and body fat, and transform yourself faster than you can say Make America Fit Again!! Happy Dieting:-)

OR, you know, you could invest in yourself the right way, educate yourself on how to eat nutritiously without depriving yourself of the things you love, and quit looking for a short term fix for a long term problem. I know it sounds crazy, but oddly enough, it works really well. And if you’d like help doing that, I’d love to serve you.
*DISCLAIMER
In case you didn’t figure out, this is satire. PLEASE don’t friggin’ attempt this. Doing so is at your own risk (although if you do, please have video documentation because that would be awesome:-) )

​Aaannnddd GO!!